Back to CT I Go

For the past two years I have lived in New Jersey.  First being in Clark near my extended family and second being in Jersey City Heights right behind Hoboken.  I have gotten to the point in my life that it is in my best interest to move back home to Connecticut. From going back to school for my masters degree and having super high anxiety levels lately, it is best for me to be around my immediate family members.

Sometimes I start to wonder if I am making the right decision because I have established myself here with friends and such, but then I just remind myself of how unhappy I have been lately.  My plans are to finish my masters and be able to move back to Hoboken just for the fact that I love how connected everyone here gets and how most people in the downtown section are all my age.

My anxiety is not something I have the best grasp on unfortunately. I was diagnosed with high levels of anxiety during the summer of my senior year in undergrad putting it at about 5 years now.  Most of the time I am perfectly fine, but once I start getting anxious is when it hits me hard and I struggle to get out of it.  I’ve us people tell me mixed things on their thoughts of anxiety. Some say that it’s all in my head and others completely understand.  Can you tell which group of people I like listening to better?  The others I have personally removed from my life.  Anxiety is classified as a mental disease. Yes there are many form of anxiety, but in general it strongly effects you mentally. I like to describe my anxiety as if I were tinker bell from Peter Pan.  Tinker bell can only harvest one emotion at a time due to her small stature.  Now I may not be 5″‘tall such as herself, but when I have anxiety attacksor have something seriously bothering me, I can only harvest one emotion at a time.  I can go from the “happiest person” (and I say happiest loosely) to being pissed off, or upset real fast.  I don’t mean to get this way and am usually good at recognizing it and will then just step away from the situation, but there are times I can’t control it.  Overall though, if I say or do something where I know that I am in the wrong, I will own up to it.

One day I would love to be off medication for my anxiety, but I have noticed a change in myself.  I cry a ton more then normal (holding things in was my main problem) which I don’t like, but I am able to process my anxiety better and understand it and for that reason, it may take a while for me to actually feel comfortable not taking medication.  Some may say it’s just a placebo, but to me and my Drs it’s real and if that is true then so be it, but it is what works for me.

If I said all of the true reasons why I am moving back home, then I would be potentially burning bridges with the friends I have made and the reputation I have established and for that reason people will only know that it is due to school, money, and my mental health.  No one but myself and my parents needs to know anything more then that.


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